On Horizon
by TophersWife12
Summary: How is someone SUPPOSED to feel after coming back from the dead? Shepard lets Kaidan have it. (Mature language. Possible lemon if asked for story continuation. Rated M just in case. No lemon..yet)
1. Chapter 1

Whoa wait a second here...a story?

YES. A STORY. All about Shepard and how pissed off she is that nobody cares about her feelings on being dead for 2 years.

I hate how Horizon went down and I hated the way Shepard didn't even stand up for herself. She's a badass!

So this story is all about Jane letting lose on how EXACTLY she feels about being dead.

I may make this into a second chapter for a little Shoker romance or Shakarian.

Let me know what you guys thinks!

Much love!

* * *

Jane Shepard was having a hard time listening to the bullshit spewing forth from her boyfriends _(Ex..)_ mouth. The blistering sun of Horizon could be felt even through her armor. She was still panting a little bit harder than normal after their fight with the collectors. Her red locks stuck to her sweat soaked cheeks and forehead. Jane was positive she looked like a Varren had chewed her up, kicked some dirt on her and then walked off. But she still kept her look of concern directed to the man in front of her.

Until he opened his mouth.

She was trying TOO hard to keep her anger at bay. At first, she understood Kaidan's distress, I mean, she WAS dead. It would tear anyone up if the love of their life suddenly showed up unexpectedly after two years of being dead. But eventually, Jane had had enough.

Isn't she entitled to be upset about this situation as well? Everyone has been talking about how THEY have felt since she died. Did anyone ever ask her of her opinion? How she's handling it? Granted, she's half robot now anyways with all her cybernetics, but still! Isn't Commander Shepard allowed to be upset that she can't have any...fucking...peace.

..."I just can't believe you would do this to me..." The whispered disbelief of Kaidan was what made the blue of her biotics wash over her body.

In rage.

Her normally bright green eyes flashed a beautiful azure while the rest of her body shimmered in dangerous biotics. Biotics that Jane lets unleash whenever she's upset.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Her voice rose a few octaves above the noise of the colony and of the whispers between her squad-mates, Garrus and Thane. Kaidan looked up at his former Commander in shock, taking a step back once he realized the seriousness of the situation.

Running a hand through her disheveled hair, Jane immediately let her biotics drop before stomping her way over to Kaidan. Once she was close enough, Jane quickly shot a hand out and punched Kaidan directly on his chest plate. He stumbled back a few steps but Jane was quicker.

She pushed him right up against a bunker and let out a stream of curses.

"Let me get this fucking straight real quick. I FUCKING DIE AND YOU'RE BLAMING ME?! Do you even know what it fucking felt like to have the air escape from your body and there's nothing you can do to stop it? To know in the precise moment, that you are in fact, going to die. Alone. In space. Where no one could POSSIBLY reach you. While everyone I cared deeply for was on the planet, I was floating above you, taking my very last breaths of air. Screaming for everyone to be okay. That everyone I love was on Alchera and SAFE. No. You don't fucking know. Instead, you broke Joker's nose because you blamed him. AT LEAST JEFF MOREAU IS ON MY FUCKING SHIP STANDING BY MY SIDE. HE KNOWS ME. HE FUCKING KNOWS ME AND THAT'S MORE THAN COULD BE SAID FOR THE MAN THAT WAS FUCKING ME THE MORNING I DIED! So you can take all this fucking bullshit depression, and shove it up your ass. Stop blaming me for things beyond my control. Stop blaming Cerberus when they're the only ones who believe me. And stop FUCKING saying that I hid my death from you. My body was taken to be reconstructed. No, I'm not the same Jane Shepard you fell in love with. But maybe that's because I woke up and realized who in my life is there for me. Who is there for my cause. Who knows what I'm all about." Jane exhaled a deep breath before letting her hands drop from Kaidan's neck. Once she let go, Kaidan seemed to go into a fighting stance, ready for a fight should she let herself get overwhelmed once more.

"Shepard..we should go." Garrus' dual-toned voice rang out for Jane to hear and the woman gave an affirmative nod to the Turian. She didn't realize how close he was until his hand gently came down to rest on her shoulder, squeezing once before letting go.

Throughout her tirade, tears had formed in Jane's eyes. All the frustration was building up and Jane could feel her sanity leaving the building. She had to get out of here. No one was allowed to see her tears.

With one glance at the shocked, yet grief-stricken Kaidan, Jane laughed humorlessly into the air. She tilted her head back and inhaled the fresh air as deep as she could before exhaling softly.

"Goodbye Kaidan."

And with that, Jane Shepard closed the chapter on Kaidan Alenko.

* * *

Could be better, could be worse.

:D


	2. Chapter 2

' _Did you hear the Commander and former Lieutenant Alenko were together?'_

' _She sure likes to take that Turian out on her missions a lot. Ya think they got something going on there?'_

' _Heh. Wouldn't be surprised. She's a firecracker of a human. Why not shake things up by shacking up with an Alien?'_

The walk to the elevator from the crew deck was the worst. Hearing the skeleton crew whisper (at least they thought. Fucking dumbasses.) About his Commander made his teeth click in annoyance. Shepard's reputation aboard the newly built SR2 was becoming known as a…well…an asshole.

The thought of why she was the way she was had Joker slightly hastening his footsteps towards the elevator. The slow rolling pit of nerves in his stomach had the Pilot gripping his coffee mug slightly tighter than normal. At first, Joker thought of reprimanding the skeleton crew for talking so openly about the Commander. But then he remembered the look on her face after Horizon today. Normally, Shepard stops straight in the cockpit to talk about key points in the mission. Some days, she is overly excited, talking animatedly about nailing the last headshot before Garrus. Other days, she storms straight to the co-pilot chair, reaches down for her bottle of Ryncol, and takes a small swig. On those days, Joker knows to keep his mouth shut in favor of keeping his testicles.

Today was the first time Joker had seen his Commander broken. And it really fucked his mind up.

Stepping into the elevator, Joker pressed the button for the Captain's Cabin and then leaned back against the wall with a heavy sigh. His cap fell forward slightly, obstructing his vision partially, before he tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling. His grip on his coffee cup was tight again.

It's only been two months since she's been back and they've yet to talk about IT. The reason for why she had to be brought back in the first place. His selfish mistake. Idiocy. Survivor's Guilt. There had been so many times Joker had just wanted to tell her how badly he fucked up and wished he had just fucking LISTENED to her.

Watching her drift away alone while he was safe in the pod was excruciating. More so than the sixteen broken bones he sustained in the aftermath of everything.

Her screams. Gasps. Sobs.

Shaking his head once, Joker noticed his body was slightly shivering. Clearing his throat once, the elevator doors opened to the cabin.

Red. No entry. She didn't want to see anyone.

Fuck that. He wasn't about to let Kaidan fucking Alenko ruin his Commander's mood.

"Commander, it's Joker. Can I come in?" He waited anxiously for a few seconds before her authoritve voice rang out above his head.

"Only if you let me have that coffee, Moreau."

"Seriously? Moreau? You're using my last name? Cruel, Commander." Shaking his head, Joker fought back the small smile that threatened to play on his lips as the light changed from red, to green, and then opened.

Whatever smile he was about to have, dropped when he caught sight of his Commander. She immediately frowned when she caught a look at his expression. She sighed softly before running a hand across her swollen eyes and then through her disheveled red locks.

"I guess I do look as bad as I thought I did. Sorry." She spoke so softly that Joker wasn't even sure she spoke at all. Shrugging his shoulders, he walked into the room, the doors closing shut behind him, and stood in front of his Commander, a hand outstretched towards her with a cup of coffee. Giving him a look of appreciation, she took a small sip, her eyes closing as she swallows. Joker briefly glances at her throat before looking away to admire her tank.

"Sooo, batch number what, three now?" He heard her snort before her footsteps came to step to his side. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her frowning slightly as she stared into the glass aquarium.

"I know you want to spend your time up here talking about my failure at being a fish parent, but I know the real reason you're here. And I'm fine, Jeff." Her body turned so she was facing him, and then Joker knew that there was no way he was leaving this room with words unsaid. He turned to her and gave her a sad smile.

"Today made me realize that I needed to give you an actual apology." He spoke softly, afraid of saying any words conveying his feelings. But SHE needed it. Scratch that, deserved it. Rep be damned, it was just them right now.

"For what?"

Her question had the pilot snorting in annoyance before he threw his hands up in aggravation. "FOR KILLING YOU SHEPARD! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE?!"

He hadn't meant to shout the words, but he couldn't help himself. He's hand nonstop flashbacks of her screams, her cries, pleas, everything. He couldn't help her. He fucked her by staying on the ship. If he had gotten off, maybe she would have been able to be with Alenko.

"Alenko is too worried about himself to care much for a relationship. Plus, he had no idea what the hell he was doing in the bedroom."

"It's not funny. Not funny at all. Not now." He spoke through clenched teeth. Anger visible just by glancing at him and it had Jane raising an eyebrow and putting her mug down on her desk. Reaching down, Shepard grabbed hold of his hand and led him slowly over to her sectional. Once they were seated, she angled her body to face him. He refused to face her. He couldn't speak and look in her eyes to see what emotions she's feeling. Soldier or not, Shepard sucked at hiding her emotions from her loyal crew.

Inhaling through clenched teeth, Joker exhaled slowly before closing his eyes. "When you put me in that pod, I plastered myself to the window. I banged on it with anything and everything I could find. I had thought for some insane reason that I could get out, grab you, and put you in there with me. Or try and grab you and throw you in like you did with me. I just knew it had to be anybody but you. Just not you."

His hands began to shake and he clenched them tightly before continuing on.

"I could hear everything when you died. Your screams. God, Shepard. I have never heard anybody scream like that. And I just had to sit there and wait until I landed, or you died. I can't get it out of my head. Watching you float alone, losing oxygen, crying. It's my fault the way you are.."

Blinking once, Joker opened his eyes before reaching up to lower his cap, shielding his eyes. Too much. He exposed too much.

"I will not and could not ever blame you for what happened to me, Jeff."

He whirled on her in rage and all but stumbled to his feet away from her. "Shut up. Forgive me for, no, you know what? Fuck that."

He should've known not to tell her to shut up. Joker spared a glance to his side and almost jumped back at seeing Shepard on her feet, almost nose to nose with him. Her green eyes were so bright that Joker realized she was displaying biotics through her eyes.

"Don't do this shit to me, Jeff. I said I don't blame you. I lost more than you know that did and I can't..I can't keep reliving it."

A hand came down around his clenched fist and Jeff felt himself exhale shakily. He turned slowly to wrap his arms tightly around the Commander. Her arms came around his waist as she rested her head on his shoulder. They clung to each other, her soft sniffling reached his ears and it had him resting his head on the top of hers.

"Scuttlebutt says you're sleeping with Garrus."

He hadn't meant to say it, but the mood was getting too depressing. There's only so much pity and emotions Joker can handle in a day and he had definitely reached his limit.

"Oh? You listen to scuttlebutt now?" He could hear the amused tone in her voice and he resisted the urge to grab on to her tighter. But it was becoming awkward.

He let go of her with a scoff. Fixing the brim of his cap, he raised an eyebrow to his commander.

"They did bring up a good point now that I think about it. Garrus does go on almost every single mission with you."

Crossing her arms, Shepard laughed softly before taking a step towards him. Without warning, her hands came up to rest on his cheeks and the next thing Joker knew, was the feel of her soft lips pressed against his briefly before she pulled away.

Holy shit balls. The Commander kissed him!

"I have a thing for Pilots."


End file.
